Entwined together in the flame of Love that is never quenched.
Ignited by the power of the Spirit and compelled to press on, press in
Joined within an impenetrable embrace that protects from all powers and principalities, flesh and blood, or death and despair that attempt to trespass its boundaries.
This intimacy heightens and surpasses the senses—
breathing in the splendor of the other,
within their private sanctuary,
sanctified by the Divine and
expressed in a wave of tenderness,
in which time is unbound, Spirit unrestrained
and crowned with the gentleness of the lover’s kiss.
Illuminated within this embrace, hovers the witness to Love becoming One, the One who receives the glory for
loving when we are not lovely,
weeping when we are not with Him,
and rejoicing when we return—
The Bride within the arms of the Lover of Her Soul!
Her heart whispers in the ear of Her Beloved as He tabernacles within her:
“Precious one who knows me as no other
May our hearts enlarge beyond the borders of where we came from,
what we have experienced, and burdens we have carried.
May it never be limited by expectations and traditions but
may it be a connection that supersedes time, place and people.
May it be as close as the 2 beats within a heart, giving life with each kiss,
Bringing the soul to its rest, having accomplished its ultimate goal…
the wholehearted laying down of life for one another.”
There stirs within this heart an aching…
Unmet needs, lost dreams, and difficult trials.
All have welled up inside, threatening to overflow the walls of my soul.
Visions of light continue to pierce the darkness
But the waves endlessly swell as the brokenness mounts…
Only to beat upon empty shores,
Where the winds have leveled the peaks
of yesterday’s joys.
But with each sunrise, a new day of hope.
Before the events of the day attempt to pull at the strands of weariness,
He meets me and wraps me in a tender caress of love,
Weaving into my heart, a thread of perseverance
A touch that allows the boundaries of my heart to enlarge
and the tears to overflow that I hold tightly within
As He engraves His mark, on me, etching His character eternally within me.
May my mouth declare loudly what my heart knows, as it sits quietly, broken in the dark…
That He is close to me and will speak the melodies of a new song
As I await my Love’s return!
This was originally written for a friend of mine, Melissa, a homeschooler of 5 children who found herself in a tough financial situation. A husband, challenged with the trials of a chronic disorder and 5 children to school but pushing through and finding that sometimes gifts come with strings. Others at the church we attended would give her money to help the family but she found herself always explaining, or feeling the need to explain how she spent the money. If she bought something at the department store that seemed frivolous to onlookers, she felt guilty. She felt she had to justify every expense she made. Depression would be something she dealt with on a daily basis, but she persevered.
One morning as I headed to church, I sat down to write something for her, I called Melissa’s Song. She would pass it on to another of our ‘sisters’, who recently had her 4th baby and went into Postpartum Depression. This new but experienced mother would deny the feelings and thoughts she had that she was jealous of her baby, jealous of the kind, doting father her daughter had and the one that she, herself, had not known. Have any of you felt like that? Ever looked at your child and wondered if your parents had loved you like that? I had wondered the same thing when my children were little.
Coming from a violent and broken home, I don’t remember much about love shown there and there was no father to tuck me in at night and my mother worked two jobs so her time was spent working. I became a stay-at-home mom. Strange term for a busy mother of two that homeschools, runs ministries, a business at home, and numerous field trips to keep my children, ‘well-rounded’. You who have chosen to stay-at-home understand what I am saying. I would see this mother at one of our monthly fellowships that week and she would proceed to pour her heart out to me. The discussion would entail the guilt she felt for feeling jealous of what she didn’t have but her kids did have and I would share with her that I had experienced those same feelings. Her relief was that many of the ‘christian’ women we knew would never admit they felt that way…too real a feeling? too ungodly an attribute.
I think our Father knows the burden of love we take on as parents and sometimes the regret we feel at having had children at all. It is all a part of life. The joys and the trials. He finds ways to begin again, to reserve hope. His children are stubborn, stiff-necked, rebellious at times and yet He demonstrates His enduring love by always being ready to give compassion to those who return, the prodigals, the brokenhearted, those who have learned, by experience, that it was better back with Him than in a world that professes wondrous possibilities, promising much but delivering little.
My friend saw me as a confident and strong woman, but for a moment we were on the same page and we remembered together what it is to be a woman, a sister, a daughter of the One who always desires life and gave us the ability to create life. For a moment in time we saw thru the same eyes, the same journey as mothers, struggling daily to maintain the balance between having children and finding myself amidst the doldrums of washing clothes, homeschooling children, cooking, bill paying and the teeter totter of feeling guilty for needing some time for ourselves, our hearts, our souls.
Watched the new movie, “Courageous” on DVD tonight with a friend. Good inspiration and unfortunately a truth that many will ignore after the credits close. It’s always easier to see others lives portrayed before us and distance our own responsibility to those we love and the One we refuse to realize loves us. Many men will probably not watch this drama because there’s not a lot of special effects or violence or sex…just simple every life.
But I realized as I sat watching with my family that each of us understood the pain of being fatherless; I was to experience divorce in the early 70’s and the judgement of other kid’s parents who saw my mother as some loose, swinging single when she was really an illiterate, hard-working, abused woman who was too proud to take a hand out of any kind and too proud to let even me know she couldn’t read.
My husband had both parents all of his childhood and much into his adult life. His father we refer to as ‘the remote control, dad’; pretty much talks about the sports, his work, cooks breakfast in the morning, does dishes in the evening and pretty much that’s the depth of his relationships with his children.
My own children had the father I always dreamed of:: you know the one who bathes the kids, reads the stories, swings them in the backyard but inherited the ability to define loving them primarily by providing for them. Unfortunately, financial provision doesn’t really help a child learn to grow spiritually. He is kind, generous, and a servant heart and would stand up for them when they need him but he missed many opportunities because of seeing work as his definition as a man. Provision is important but not the most excellent thing we can give our children. Leading as a spiritual man is vital, I believe, to our children’s character and understanding of what is important in life. Too often, we figure this out too late in life and our children repeat the same mistakes we lived thru. Now computers take the place of TV but remote control dads are more common than the ones who understand what it is to lay down their life. He’s learning.
My daughter, a single mother of one, still young and now on a learning curve she didn’t plan on riding. The biological sperm donor…a promise without delivery. Now fading from his child’s life he is becoming the same loser his father before him was…a deadbeat dad. Less mature than the child, he likes to claim as HIS son. Funny how people claim rights to a person like they were a thing, but much more devastating. A thing doesn’t come to an age of questioning, hoping and waiting for a father to take him by the hand but a child will grow to a man who must also make decisions and hopefully better ones.
My friend, the aunt to this child and so ashamed of the ‘heritage’ this family has continued in both her father and her brother, but nonetheless hoping one day she will find a young man with courage who loves like Yeshua and will be willing and able to heal her from the place she still finds a void …her heart. She works in a field to help others but also allows her to see worse situations than her own and therein lies hope; not all fatherless children give up; some learn to love, to rise up and to change the trend of the generations past and put them to shame. I pray she will be the one to do that in her family.
My daughter-in-law abused sexually as a child in a family now in its fourth generation of this ugly perversion and still struggling to live in peace and to love a life without chaos. She struggles to see herself as beautiful, important, and pure. But she is learning. We love her and she is learning to love herself.
So tonight, no poem just plain truth. No credits. No actors. No reviewers. But challenging you to be all God has created us to be…to LOVE. Not that mushy feeling of romance that movies substitute for love but the only true gift that is given, expecting……..NOTHING from the other but in love with the process of loving and serving only One…the Giver of all Life and the Lover of our Souls. Challenge yourself. Be different than those around you. Different than what they expect you to be or what you’ve come to expect of yourself or others. Choose to BE and the doing will come from within you and it will be good because He is Good!!!
My appearance may be cracked with age
And weathered thru life’s trials,
But here within the heart there lies
Those things that made me smile.
For memories we do gather
As the years pass quickly by,
To others not so evident,
What love holds, can’t untie
wrote for an anniversary of some special friends whose love was still evident after 25 years of marriage.
Just a quick note, simple but love is like that I think…simple. That’s what makes it so hard to do though. It requires one thing…the choice to lay down one’s life. Oh, to push a friend out of the way and avoid injury at the expense of yourself is a one moment in time choice, but to lay down one’s life, right to be right, preferences for a lifetime is a different kind of love. Many marriages have the years to mark their life together and the memories of that life but how many are marked by the laying down of life for the other. How many marriages have we seen that one lays down their life but the other takes. Each records the years but one remembers them differently. One’s life is marked by the offering of love at the expense of themselves and the other by the taking of life, sex, money, time with little regard for the other. How sad. So many today end up in meaningless relationships that last days, hours, or months and at the root of them all is selfishness. Even some marriages that can boast the 25th, 50th or more can only boast in years but not in what counts the most. I have a good friend who tells the story of his grandfather who was a farmer and loved a woman who was quite , well, mean at times. He loved her though and when she entered the nursing home, he drove daily to see her and after she died he visited her grave everyday until he had his driver’s license taken from him and shortly after at the age of 96, he died. What dedication, what a demonstration of devotion. His love was not conditional on her behavior, on her absence or presence. He remained faithful when most would just call him crazy,overindulgent, old; He exemplifies the best of what love can be: Faithful.
Never before had I dreamed that in friendship I could find the joy, love, and understanding one searches for in life. And yet just when life seems unwilling to give you what you believe you so richly deserve. One person enters your life and changes your outlook, if even for a brief moment and in this short interval of time, you experience an awakening of deeply buried emotions which cause you to glow with delight when they are with you and when they are not. But in all things, there comes a time for parting. A time when we must give of ourselves a much greater gift—trust. That one day the sunshine will return to brighten our day and give us the yearning to grow again in friendship.
I wrote this probably about 20 years ago. Going thru a break up and trying to reconcile the feelings I had inside. I believe the focus was that I would learn to be wiser and trust that there are still some in the world that I would find friendship to be the connection I desired. I think people hope to find that in their mate, and many do. Friendship is an important part of love and intimacy. But I think the focus is not just on the sharing but on the giving that occurs within friendship. Friendship is a gift we offer but trust is something that, as I have learned, should be reserved for a special few. You can live with someone, know someone a long time but not really know them. Friendship is usually based on things we have in common from books and movies we love to talents we possess. Trust is something we receive from others but entrusting ourselves to others should be guarded. People think they know themselves and the ones they love but often as we grow we find we know very little, especially about those closest to us. We share experiences with one another in friendships thru the years, the trials and the joys. Being there is an important part in friendship, but a true friend is the one beside you when the world has forsaken you and thinks you’re crazy, but your friend KNOWS you and loves that crazy side of you for it is a part of them, too. Be a Giver and beware of the Takers…they rob you of life.
Beneath the ground, a seed of promise
Seems dormant from above
But God beholds what we cannot
A Covenant of Love.
A baby boy, the first-born Son, begotten of the Father
A promise veiled in humanity
His excellent vessel of honor
Yet long ago, they spoke of Him
In fathers and in prophets,
By faith, they followed Yahweh’s hand
Though none would see His promise.
The One who from creation knew the Father’s plan so well
For the Son is heir of all He holds
And upholds them in His power.
All things to Him subjected
For His name more excellent than they
For a moment took a place below
To purge our sins and pay
With a one-time sacrifice of blood
An eternal priest appointed
At the Father’s right hand intercedes
With salvation, we’re anointed!
In these last days, God has spoken
In His Son, the King of Peace
Through the word of all His witnesses
that His Word it would not cease.
So listen, brethren, to His Spirit
The seed of promise, now indwelling
And draw near, hold fast to Yeshua
For our Lord is soon returning!
And His Kingdom reigns in righteousness
Forever will it stand
And those first-born in Christ Yeshua,
Will rest forever in His Hand.
I wrote this while taking a class in the book of Hebrews. It would inspire me that today is the day we should remember and enter into His rest. He desires to be with us. Offerings of days, money, festivals are fine but time with the One we love and who loves us…priceless. For someone who has known a lot of loneliness early in life, I found such joy in knowing that God was there, even when evil men continue in their ways and self-righteous ones brag about their good deeds; He just loves. He loves those He created and is constantly looking for ways to support the hearts of those who belong to Him. Praise Him, the Giver of Life. I wasn’t looking for someone to save me but perhaps I was looking for someone to love me and that seems to also answer the unspoken request of saving someone. He offers, we choose. I seek and I find and find my reason for living and for life in Him.
So while it is still today; while it is still possible…enter into His rest and lay within the arms of the lover of your soul; the one whose hearts beats to see you smile, to rejoice, to know Him in all His ways. You will not be disappointed.
Each time I see His face
The sweetest gift, God gave to me
That I may know His grace.
No matter where I look I see
His love surrounds my pain
And kisses tears of memory
That cause my soul to strain.
The emptiness I feel now fades
As I awaken gently
And the One I love beside me stays
The fear, now calm within me.
The One he sent now beckons me
Desires He’s renewed
That I might know His love for me
A love forever true.
So many years I searched for Thee
And found all that which fades
Alone, I looked for ways to flee
My confidence betrayed.
My hope now realized its dream
The spark to sow a view
A love to conquer all my fears
And bear my burdens, too.
I feel His heartbeat within mine
His life with me to share
The beauty of a broken heart
When given loving care.
He saw the possibilities
My heart tried to conceal
For in strength I veiled the virtues
Only true love could reveal.
The breath of life He gave to me
In one so loyal and true
That allowed His love to heal the pain
That love I saw in you.
Hold my hand in yours, Beloved One
While on this path we go
Growing in the love He’s given us
In grace, He did bestow.
My reflection be of Him I love
Where light does shine through me
On the one He chose and knows me well
His love has set me free
The sweetest flower of the field I found
That does not wither, nor fade
But yields a pleasing fragrance
In the sacrifice its made.
He’s my anchor in the violent storm
And His strength rests not in sight
But in the faith that God has borne
And sustains him in the fight.
I pray that I may be the crown
He wears upon His head
that I may bless the one He gave
Beloved, whom I’ve wed.
I wrote this on Valentine’s 1999 as a way of expressing how I felt about my Saviour, Yeshua, and how He can speak thru a man who loves you. I don’t believe men realize the power they have over women. I don’t mean the physical strength. I mean the power of protection, peace, trust, security, and most importantly, love. It has taken a long time for me to come to the realization of what love really is but I find almost 12 years later, I would discover love has a greater definition and that a man can love a woman more than himself, laying down all he is, was and would be and realizing he would be nothing without the one God gave to him. He cherishes her, protects her, satisfies her and helps her to discover all that is good about her; all that God made special about her; and even when life seems to have allowed the years to pass and we have missed so much of love…he recreates within her and restores and reaffirms that love is still alive, still abiding and that even when we thought we knew love, we learn that when that which is perfect comes, that which is imperfect fades, ceases and all we remember is the sweet aroma of the love of God expressed in connecting to the one we know is ours from the beginning of time. Movies attempt to portray a rather idealistic view of love and sex but the real thing surpasses what men can create. God allows us to participate and connect to Him and not a temporary compartment or reservation but a lifelong, eternal drive to be One. Some may find it, many will find detours that will perhaps cause them to become jaded to what is real and if it is possible. It’s worth waiting for, praying for and knowing that God desires better than many of the choices we make. Experience increases knowledge but not necessarily wisdom. Only God can give revelation. Only sons of God can receive it. Seek diligently and find……LOVE!
Built in love, it can’t be severed.
Therein lies the love of my Father,
in life, in death, in body and spirit
Within my heart where no one can hear it
A thread knit snugly in bedtime prayers
and stories reminiscing on all his yesteryears.
Yet somewhere between my youth and adulthood
I realized and treasured, he’d done all that he could.
Protector, Defender, The Rock of My Faith
Dwelt somewhere within this calm shelter beneath
The man I had known was now hurting, yet strong
I knew that for certain it wouldn’t be long.
My Spirit was quickened, as struggling, I flew
To be by His side and be sure that He knew
I had loved Him and would continue to fight
to work hard, to stand firm, and to do what is right.
So silent his breathing
Life ebbing away
As the Master’s hand beckoned
My Father today.
But extended to me was the hand of my Lord
As the mantle was passed and my father moved forward
The empty void left deep down in my heart
The Lord now provided a new place to start
For the love of my Father
Now tore me apart.
Sleepless nights found me tearful
But there by my side
Was a place neatly hollowed
A shelter to hide.
But the tears I kept hidden
Though my heart is was aching
Groans in prayer found their home
In the heart God was making.
“Return, Return!” came the cry
From within my weary soul
It is not my will you stumble
But my will that you be whole
and your heart always be humble.
Crawl within these arms of healing
Find the peace He always promised
Know the Father’s love is guiding
when the darkness overwhelms us
Build a loving true foundation
On the Rock that never changes
And you’ll find your Father’s love
In the trial that faith embraces.
This was written for a friend, John when he was notified that his father was dying right before his birthday. He was in his forties at that time and had a very close relationship with his father. John would later ask me how I knew how he felt. I said I wrote how I felt about what the Father had done for me; How I wish my earthly father had been. How I felt when my father had died the day before my 25th birthday. My father had always been a violent man, at least with my mother; His 6’4″ frame on her 5’1″ asian stature had made it impossible for her to fight back. As a child, I could only witness the abuse with no way to intervene. He was mostly gone on some military temporary duty station, which usually meant off the North American continent. He had many affairs, children and perversities from drugs to sex. But my mother had managed to never speak unkindly of him; she endured for 16 years although I don’t think that was a good thing. My brothers and I would later discover all the hidden secrets to his life but at 24 I had a better understanding of life. A new nursing school grad, newly divorced and having come out of an abusive marriage also, I had learned the nuances of what many of us call ‘love’. It is a word frequently used to define a level of connection, be it sexual, emotional, psychological or otherwise defined by the one experiencing it. Unfortunately, that connection is not always mutually defined. My earthly father loved many women, many things but never really knew how to love himself . Yes, he loved many things ABOUT himself but never got over the trying to prove he wasn’t some hillbilly from West Virginia; he died a loser. He lost life, he lost his family, he lost a chance of extending some good into the future but he was not a total loser. Out of the 4 of us that remained. My mother was a survivor, worker, servant. She never felt quite deserving of life, always feeling the need to wheel and deal and support the ‘male’ dominance of her culture. My brothers….well, one ended up with multiple relationships, all unsuccessful and the one child he does have he will never see because of his arrogance. The other brother, soft, gentle but ‘out of sight, out of mind’; Give you the shirt off his back. But has had 3 ‘relationships where he lost the ‘loves’ of his life. The problem…selfish, noncommittal and hoarding. He has seen what happens in divorce and never saw himself as a father; he has a child (the result of friends with benefits) and finally got custody of his daughter the last 9 years but finds fatherhood elusive. All his degrees, money, things will not measure to the good of enjoying a moment with her. After a recent movie, Girlfriends Past, he had a epiphany that at his funeral no one would probably come. The guys at the fire dept would be required, his daughter most likely and ME. I pretty much raised my little brother and he has overcome many physical, mental trials in his life but the one he still struggles with is LOVE. Love takes surrendering of oneself when others find it easier to not do so; not keeping an account of wrongdoings, money owed, how many pounds your girlfriend gains, and allowing life. He spent more years afraid of living in a cardboard box and instead built a big box around himself. He has houses, time shares, degrees, cars, money… and one pearl left…a daughter. Yet, he has given her the same heritage we were given…promises without intention.
I loved the idea of having a father. I prayed so many nights, hoping he would return and sometimes he did but not often enough and many times those moments were filled with violence and then ‘make-up sex”. As if sex was intended for that and could fix the wake of destruction he left behind like a piece of trash that missed the can. I was respectful to my father, i loved my father but I saw the man he was and that I could never respect nor love. So in this poem, I wrote for my friend for those who have found fathers that perhaps embody the true Father, the one who loves always, who cuddles with you in the dark, tickles you until you pee your pants and chooses you over his football or video game or his job. God has blessed you. For those of us who had no real earthly father, there is One who I look back and see was always there; encouraging me, pushing me to keep hoping, keep trying, keep loving. I would take many wrong turns as my parents before me but I would also learn lessons they never learned; the value of a person is not in what they do for you but in who they help you become. For me, I chose life. It is still an ongoing journey but I refuse to believe that this story does not have a happy ending for it is written, ‘Blessed are the overcomers and I know that I am one of those. Think on what is good, true, noble, excellent and praiseworthy; these are the things God intended as a good Father who loves, nurtures, protects and perseveres. Men do bad things to other men and God witnesses; but we are commanded to do good to those who do evil as God’s witness. So today, I am like my Father; I have his eyes, his ears, his words, his heart and most of all His Love Abides within me. So whether your earthly father is living or dead, you have a Father who is always Faithful. Others may not see Him but let them see Him in you and through you.
There stirs within this heart an aching…
Many of you have probably journaled at some time in your life and so you understand this need to have someone with whom you can share your personal thoughts and memories. A moment of intimacy between you and yourself. I hope in this blog to present some of those highlights in my walk with my Father and perhaps connect others to the love I have searched for, longed for and found in Him. These posts will parallel many of the trials, hopes, tattered moments in my life but also the hope they embraced and found. I pray they will be a blessing to you also. I will attempt to provide some background as to what I was experiencing at the time I wrote them so you will understand the context of each creative adventure. So enjoy! Cry, Laugh, Scoff. All are acceptable. Poetry, like other art forms, is meant to inspire an emotion; record a moment in time; and challenge you to think outside your box and perhaps find another who thinks like you…or not. So here we go!